peacefulwinter | IC Contact

[Ever since the incident in Las Vegas, Winter had spent a lot of time just... staring into space. Looking at her hands. At Raquel. At her Loveads. At herself. Trying to see if there's something there worth fighting for. She's been quiet, though she's still responsive to Lily, and to Jasmine - they're too close for her to shut them out willingly. And maybe some little part of her is hoping one of them will drag her out of her funk. Get her moving again.

Neil... she'd said some things, yesterday. She'd felt the fire rekindle, just a little. It wasn't like she ever stopped wanting to do the things that she'd set out to do. She'd just... been discouraged. Badly, certainly. But it'd happened before. When she'd been fired. When she'd gotten Lily hurt. And now this, when she still hadn't really gotten over the last one. But could she really just... stop? Could she do that and not feel like she was abandoning everything that drove her?

She'd said she was a vessel for happiness. That she was happy when she could protect people. That she had things she couldn't sacrifice. Were those... things she could give up without becoming someone she wasn't?

Lily's voice draws her out of her thoughts, and she shakes herself lightly.]

I'm here... is everything okay?

Everything's fine, Winter, it -

[ A frown, and she drifts across the room, drawing closer. An adjust of her glasses and a shake of her head later, and she continues. ]

Okay, I guess that'd be a lie. Winter... we need to figure what we're going to do about things.

[ What "things," she's pretty sure Winter can guess. ]

I know. [It's quiet, and she shakes her head.] I'm... I'm kind of scared of what will happen from here. It's not getting any less dangerous with time. So... what do we do from here? I- [Winter stops and sighs.]

I don't want to quit. But I don't want something else to happen. I... I've hurt enough people already. I'm not confident I can do this again without hurting someone. Hurting you. Once was bad enough.

[Pulling her knees to her chest, she sinks back into the couch a little, frowning, her focus drifting again. Her feet curl on the edge of the cushions, and she's twirling a lock of hair around her finger absently.]

[ Absently, Lily's rubbing her right arm as she walks over. She's actually been doing this a lot, as if to make certain it's still okay. She often well catch herself eventually, or try to hide the fact she's doing it, but for now she just looks down at Winter. ]

There are a lot of things happening, too. Not just... this week, either. [ She doesn't name it, because it still leaves a bad taste in her mouth. Just what was he thinking? ] But... that meeting, those blackouts... We can't really hide either, can we, Winter...?

[ Her grip tightens on her arm, but she sits down next to the other girl. ] I'm scared too, I get it. It's almost scary enough to even talk about this stuff, I don't- I won't push you on something again, if you're not ready. [ Since the last time - in her head - Lily feels like she did that, she wound up in a pool of her own blood. Still, even sitting next to her girlfriend, her gaze shifts away. ]

I'm not going to do that to you again, Winter. I won't... let myself be that overconfident again. [ Ha, what is confidence now? ] But even if it's scary, if we don't try...

[ She trails off and sighs. ]

We can't hide. Wherever we go, this will find us. We can't just shut it out. We... we have to deal with it. We have to fight. Whether we're ready or not, we're in d-danger. Lily, I... mmn. [As Lily sits down, Winter's head leans gently against her girlfriend, looking for whatever comfort she can get.]

Don't... don't worry about me. I'll live. I chose this, and I accepted that there were risks involved. It's okay if I get hurt, if nobody else does. That... someone reminded me of that. It's not reasonable to expect that nobody will be hurt when we have to get involved. But if I c-can protect everyone, there are reasonable sacrifices that can be made.

If someone doesn't push me, I'm going to curl up into a little ball and refuse to move forward. I don't... want that. I want to learn, and grow, and live my life. I have to take risks for that. I have to be strong enough to make sure those risks - to myself and to everyone else - are as m-minimal as possible, but risk will be involved.

Because we have to try. No matter how scared I am. [That fire is back in her eyes, if only a little.]

[ Feeling Winter against her makes Lily relax just a little, if only for a few moments. Her eyes draw back to the dark-haired girl, and her arms slips around her shoulders... and almost immediately looks bothered.

Maybe she's right. Maybe she does need to be pushed a bit. Probably, they both do. But... ]

Winter, no. It's not okay if you get hurt! [ That was a little louder than she intended, but her newfound hold around her tightens all the same. ] If I said something like that, you'd be letting me have it right here and now. It's not okay for you, or me, or anyone to get hurt if we can avoid it... Even if we can't sometimes, even if it's bound to happen...

[ She bites her lip. ] Even if I'm scared out of my own mind to even walk outside sometimes, it feels like. But I've promised that I'd push on, that I'd have the courage to be better than that... I promised you I'm not going to let you destroy yourself, okay? You're not. When you talk like that, it sounds too much like- [ She stops herself before she says "The Happy Prince" but it's probably a little late, Winter can probably fill in the gaps herself. ]

...of course, I know... You'd do anything for anyone, so... I don't want to see it as pushing you, letting you get yourself hurt, but I am going to take you with me. I'm going to walk side-by-side with you into whatever it is that's out there, Winter Adamas, and make sure we both are able to come back safe from whatever it is we do.

Edited (Let's try that again) 2014-06-29 07:08 (UTC)

[Winter opens her mouth to argue, her eyes flashing. She wants so much to raise her voice, to tell Lily she's wrong, that it's the only way-

And then she catches herself. She's about to raise her voice to Lily because her girlfriend is objecting that she is trying to throw herself in harm's way. She is trying to say, with a completely straight face, that she's okay sacrificing herself for these people because it is her duty.

She lowers her head, laughing bitterly. She can feel tears running down her face, too, but she's not worried about that. There are more important things.]

Mm. You're... you're right. It's not okay, and I'm getting so frustrated I'm letting myself say stupid things. I'm not learning from all the stupid things I do, and it's going to get me killed one of these days. I'm more like Rikka's damned i-idol than Rikka herself.

I don't want to ask you to stand beside me. I'm too headstrong... I'll get both of us hurt that way. But... if you can put up with me, I think I need it. Maybe, if it's not just me, I'll think before I act.

[Winter sighs, leaning a little more heavily on Lily, one hand reaching out gently.] I'll be depending on you even more, you know. I don't want you... to be scared. Together, we can do anything, right? I just... I just have to believe in that. Believe in you. It'll all be okay. We'll make it okay, one way or another. T-too many people are depending on us for anything else to happen.

[ To see the tears on Winter's face surprises Lily for just a second, but she's quick to raise a hand to her cheeks. She does her best to wipe the tears away, but even after that's settled may just opt for stroking her cheek. ]

Rikka might have been satisfied at that. I'm not really one to judge her, but... To compare oneself to that, to help the one they love with something that may well be picking them apart, bit by bit... That is something I can't do. I can love you and support you, and do everything in the world I can for you... But it's because I want you to come back in the end. Because I need you to come back in the end.

You don't have to ask me to stand beside you. [ She manages to smile, faintly. ] So long as you'll put up with me, I'm not exactly planning on giving you much of a choice.

[ She reaches down from Winter's face, her other arm still holding her close, and takes the reaching hand. ] There'll always be part of me that's scared. For you or for Jasmine, or for anyone I care about... But that's why, really. That's why I have to fight, I have to push past that... Something like this can't happen again, I-- [ She sucks in a sudden breath, a thought thundering to the forefront of her brain. ] I have to be brave enough to fight off despair... So I will be, for everyone, but you especially. Because I have you there, I know... I really can do anything.

Edited (let's try one of those sentences again, this is what results from sleep deprived tagging) 2014-06-30 05:58 (UTC)

What do you think this is, Lily? [She wants to scream, still. But... Lily is doing a lot to help temper her anger, mostly at herself.] I've been throwing myself at the wall... for so long. I've just wanted to put everything into this. Even at my own expense. The student council, breaking my ankle, fighting on a broken ankle, going into the Sage trap... everything was because I can't sit idly by. So... maybe I'm too reckless.

But I... I know that. I always have. I fully e-expected it would find me, someday. [She looks at Lily, her gaze hard.] Then it found you. I was so scared. I can't even say how bad it was. I- for days, I told myself that was it. No more heroics. I'd go home and just be normal, if it kept you from getting hurt again. I don't do this for myself, Lily. I do it for other people. For you. That's why I don't really think of it in those terms. I... I am willing to take so many risks, for my important people. I have to teach myself not to. That we c-can do it together. That... I can't say "nobody else" and then get into trouble. "Nobody else" has to include me, or it doesn't mean anything.

I'm scared, too. I think I will be, for a long time. But I have to believe that... there's more than just running myself into the ground. Everything will be okay. We'll make it happen. With you... we'll keep moving forward, no matter what. Right?

[ Lily finds her eyes misting up a little herself, but... that's fine. She doesn't stop it, and somehow manages to not flinch a bit throughout it all. Because it's too important here and now to really back down. ]

You are a little reckless, and... I've always known you do it for other people. For those you care about, and everyone else. I've said more than once, that's the thing which inspired me, more than any memories I received. Haven't I? That... still remains, and knowing you, I'd like to think that isn't going anywhere...

I can't say I'm much different, can I? I sort of proved that, with how I ended up. Had it been reversed, we'd probably be on opposite sides of this conversation, but... It'd probably be pretty similar. [ She manages a slightly wry smile, in spite of everything. ] Although with as stubborn as you can be, I might've had a harder time keeping you in bed. It would have been almost tempting, too... to just ignore all of those dangers, to just stay in with you every day, and yet... we've seen no matter what we do, they'll come to us anyway

But yes, you're right. You and I are going to be a team for much, much longer than I'd hope we'll be fighting all these things, Winter... This isn't the first road bump we'll hit, but I feel like... no matter how scared either of us are, no matter what we run into. From here on, if we can take that on together... I don't think anything can stop us, Winter. Not for long, anyway.

Mm, I remember that. But... no. I and my bullheadedness aren't going anywhere. I'll be right here, as long as you want me to be. And I don't m-mind that you're going to be the same way if something happens to me. I... now that I'm used to having people around, I need that contact. I need someone to be there for me to talk to, to touch, to tell me it'll be okay. So I'm c-counting on that.

So... please stay with me, whatever happens. Even if I scream, or I walk out before I do something I'll regret, or we can't agree, or I panic and run away... I'll always come back. I can go anywhere, and do anything. I just... [She manages to smile a little, her face coloring.] I just need you.

Well, seeing as how I don't ever want it that you're not here... So, it's time I took my own advice, isn't it? [ Just briefly, she leans her head towards Winter's, her lips making contact in a brief kiss. Extremely brief, but the message should be clear enough - that the contact she's talking about is there. ] I kept saying everything would be okay, and... it will be. I've relied on you so much this past month, so... I need to make sure I can give all the same support to you when I need to. When we both need it.

[ She hugs her a little closer. ] I've said the same thing, haven't I? To do all of this, and more than that, everything I want to do beyond this... I need you, too. I want to be able to share everything else, too. Everything that has nothing to do with all of this danger and fighting, the things we'll have to look forward to when it's over. We just... have to work together to make sure we get there, right?

[Winter's face goes even more red at the sudden attack.] Y-yes... right. It's not that you've been relying on me, so much as I've been hovering, but we'll go with that for now.

[She shakes her head, leaning into Lily and trying not to worry so much.] Right. Together. Whatever happens, wherever we go, whatever has to be done. Whether it's us h-having to fight something, or going on a date, or something stupid like we tend to do... it'll be okay.

So I guess I just need to figure out what to do from here. Do we... go back on the road? Go back to Las Vegas and try to figure out what's going on? Or do we stay here a while longer and make sure you're ready to go again? I don't want to... make the wrong decision on this and have something happen again.

[ If nothing else, Lily takes this as a good opportunity to rest her head against Winter's. ] Hovering or not, I have been relying on you. I'm almost starting to feel a little selfish, expecting you here all the time, but...

[ She draws in a breath, thinking on the questions. ]

That's... something we need to figure out, isn't it? [ A sigh. ] Things seem to keep increasing in intensity out there, but... they are here too. [ She frowns. ] Whatever's behind that monster car, those blackouts, that will have to be dealt with, but... there are so many more of us here than there... The big problem is.

[ She tilts her head to one side, and pulls back just enough to be able to look Winter in the eye. ] There's no way Dad's going to let Jasmine go back, not right now. [ And in her thoughts, she's thinking it's probably a bad idea for Jasmine to go back after what that resulted in. ]

I'm the one that's being selfish. I have a home. I have parents that... probably want to see me more than they do. But I spend all my time, and more than a few of my nights, here. It's in-incredibly selfish, but it helps me sleep, and it's what I want, if I'm being honest.

As for our plans... I don't know. There are so many more of us here, but even a few more of us may not make a difference to anything that attacks out there. Not if it's only us. And you're right that Jasmine can't come along if we go. I wouldn't want her to. That's an argument for staying anyway... I still need to make sure she does okay this summer. I took responsibility for that, and I'll see it through.

[ Lily starts to open her mouth to object, but refrains. There's a certain weight - among the many other weighty things they've thrown out in the past couple minutes - to Winter saying that which takes a couple moments to catch up to her. A the least, that makes it time for her cheeks to heat up. ] If that's what you want, then I guess I'm okay if you want to be a little selfish...

[ She clears her throat, trying to compose herself. ] Ei-either way, it's my responsibility too. I have to make sure she does well just as much. And... we can't just go there without a plan of some sort, can we? Just wandering around didn't net us anything to begin with...

[ To say nothing of the only thing Lily did come home from Vegas with, but that doesn't need to be stated. ]

Edited (fixing one icon since I sort of broke everything. whoops.) 2014-07-15 01:17 (UTC)

[Winter frowns, but... they've already had that discussion.] No, it didn't. We can't go without some idea of what we're doing again, and Jasmine has to come first. We already have enough problems, and I don't want to have to worry about that, too.

So, with that said... I don't think there's any reason for us to go back yet. We can be more useful here, right now. I have a lot more work to do to get my confidence back up, but... that's not really important now. For now, I just need to know that we're planning to stay, and you're ready for whatever happens. That I'm ready.

That's settled then, isn't it? For now, at least - we'll do what we can here, and... See what happens.

[ A hand comes up to Winter's cheek, and she manages a smile. It's light, but it's there. ] Your confidence is important, however. That and whatever it is you want or need is important, if not to you, then to me. Remember that at least, okay? So whatever it is we face, whatever we do... I'll find a way to be ready.

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