peacefulwinter | IC Contact

Entry tags:

IC Contact

Hi, this is Winter Tsukuyomi. I can't get to my phone now; I'm probably out working at the village, and I don't get great reception. If you need something, please leave a message or send me an e-mail, and I'll get back to you as soon as possible. If it's urgent, please use the network, which I CAN access, or find someone who can. Thanks! (beep)

[Contact modes: phone (voice), voicemail, SMS (text/image), e-mail, physical mail, Skype (text/voice/video), network (text/voice/video, typically via phone or Kindle)]
All non-network modes checked infrequently.

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

I have a c-certain way of dragging things out of people. There's a good chance I'll set her off accidentally, so it's... good I know. I don't want us to fight, either, but... [She has a feeling. Lily has never wanted to force Jasmine to cope with her feelings. But since Winter effectively volunteered herself to take them all upon her shoulders...]

...I'm n-not confident that it'll pass without issue. For that matter, will you be okay? She... was your mother too.

Don't worry about me. I have Marina, right? And... Raye and I, we kinda have each other to relate about it too.

I'll be fine.

If you're sure... I'll leave it to them, then. It's... n-not my place to try to be everywhere at once. You have people that are important to you, and... I think Lily knows she has someone that will listen to her, if she wants to talk.

Thank you, Jasmine. I would... have worried a lot if that day had come and I hadn't known.

You're welcome. I... hope Lily shares your sentiments.

[ This, this is the one he feels more hesitation about than he rightly should. This was the letter he'd written to himself as a reminder, that was meant for someone else to read. Mostly because how he feels about Winter has sort of faded in and out over the last week, leaving him surprisingly empty, when the contents are anything but. All the details surrounding his reasoning are hazy, and difficult to pin down. It takes him a while to start, because his own wondering distracts him — had it always been this way?

Well, he guesses he wouldn't have to send this if it was. Another letter in a bundle of them, hidden away for himself to find, after everything was over. ]

I know you're still on your school trip, so you can wait until you get back to read this if you want. I would have just texted you, but it's long. And I figured you wouldn't want it as a welcome back, even if I don't understand it all the way. I think you will... or, I hope you will. Here:

"Winter,

You're probably going to be the most angry with me, out of everyone. Hear me out, just this once, and then if you never want to forgive me for breaking my promise to you, I'll understand. No matter what I remember, or what I don't, or what you or anyone else tells me.

I have a lot to thank you for. More than I can probably write down in a single place like this. Probably just as much as I have to apologize to you for now, when I'm being unfair. You always thought I was, I think. That's why I tried to keep what I was a secret from you for so long. It was dumb, right? Because out of everyone I know, you were the one who understood the most. I think I might have been scared of whatever I was turning into forever, if you hadn't told me that. "I understand." Not because of who I used to be, or whose power I was getting. Because of who you knew. It took me way too long to realize that, that my power was always mine. All it took was you proving it to me, after everything. If there are things only I can do, and only you can do, remember that. Remember that you really did save me, that day in the hospital. I wouldn't have been able to pilot the Unicorn if it hadn't been for you, or fight for Locke, and everyone in it. I wouldn't have known what my responsibility was, and I wouldn't have had the confidence or resolve to carry it out. You made the world seem bigger, but not as scary.

If I have to talk to you like this, here and now, I won't remember why any of this happened. But I want you to take everything you told me, everything that you already knew, and use it to help everyone, now that I can't. That's how we move forward, Winter. That's how you're going to continue on, no matter what. Right?

Just don't try to take all of that and walk it alone. No matter how much it might hurt, I want you to do that for me, with everyone you can. You're the only one who I know I can trust, asking something like that. Not only because you understand, but because... that's how we grow, and how the world grows, whether I'm a part of it or not.

Whatever light I was capable of, you should be capable of too. I believe in that. So, use it. Use it to tell Lily not to be sad, use it to prove that the love I felt that day is worth something. Maybe everything.

- Banagher"

[She wasn't expecting to be woken up so early in the morning. Or rather, she would be waking up soon anyway, but this is a touch early even for her. When her Kindle pings, though, it catches her attention - because it's set to only make noise if it's important. There aren't that many people that have her e-mail address, and all of them rate that high. So she stirs, rubs her eyes for a second, and turns it on.

And her heart stops for a second. Because that's an address that shouldn't be there-

Winter bolts upright from where she's been sleeping on the couch, letting Lily have the bed until she's feeling a little less torn up. Unlocking her Kindle, she spends a long moment just... reading the letter, face blank. How did she even react to this? She feels numb, and when she finishes it, she doesn't do anything for a long moment.

Then she reads it again, and a third time. These are the thoughts that were so important that he took the time to write them down and leave them for himself to pass on if... if the worst happened. She'd already known that he wasn't part of things anymore, but this tore everything open all over again, and she can't stop tears from coming. Banagher was someone she didn't think she'd have to part with, and definitely not like this. Not when it's already too late to do anything. Too late to even say goodbye before their days washed away in the tide of memories lost.

She stays like that for a long time. Crying, her head buried in her knees, trying not to be loud enough to wake the others, even as she hears Lily's phone buzz softly. It's not fair. It's not fair, and she knows that's not something she can even use as an argument. But... he believed in her, in a very real way. She can't hate him. She knows, in her heart, she'll forgive him. She has to. How could she not? There's so much riding on her... there's so much she wants to say, that she can't say anymore.

Or maybe... just maybe, she can. Even if he doesn't remember... Eugen had a point. It's still Banagher in there, just without that power to "understand" he'd grown to appreciate. Grown to accept, with her help. And he'd come to understand her will, and her "love" in the same way. He'd helped her understand herself, and take the first step. And the second, and the third, until she could walk forward on her own as her world changed around her. She'd walked together with him for the longest time, until she could stand alone. And even as she found new partners to share that love with, and to walk into the future with, she never forgot what he'd helped her to see.

She'll keep walking. Even if it gets hard, even if it hurts. Because... that's what he'd taught her.

Slipping out of the room in bare feet, calmer now than before even if her face is still wet, remembering her key and phone at the last minute, she scrolls through her contacts, skipping past the first number for the person she wants. It's past daybreak there, so she's sure she's not going to wake him up. She lets it ring... and she hopes it's going to go to voicemail, because even if she's resolved herself, she's still not ready to talk to him yet. But... she will be. She listens to the greeting, and she almost hangs up, but... this is something she wants to do. Has to do. And when it beeps, she takes a deep breath.]

I refuse... to stop moving forward. You taught me that, both that "other you" and the you that's left now. I wanted to say so much to him... to you... and I won't have the chance to talk to him anymore. I don't think things will be the same between us for a while.

But... that d-doesn't mean I don't want to try. Even if things have changed, you're still my important friend. I want us to... stay that way, if it's fine with you. And even if I'm angry at him for leaving so suddenly, you're still here.

After all, you're... you're a part of my world now. Even if it's still small, it will only grow. I want you to... be a part of it, for a long time to come. So, um... thank you, Banagher. For everything. If you don't mind putting up with me for a little while longer, I'd like to hear from you again. [Silence for a second or two, before she laughs lightly, even if it's only for a moment.] Sorry, I know this is a little creepy so early in the morning, but I just had to say it. I hope you have a good day.

[She won't say goodbye. She can't handle that. But with this... she can keep moving forward once again. Whatever the path ahead brings.]

[ He doesn't get the voicemail until his first morning class is over. Needless to say, the night had been a sleepless one. All those things he'd felt compelled to send out into the world kept circling in his mind, despite the fact that there was so much about it that he didn't understand. Banagher had written it to himself in no uncertain terms — it didn't matter what he understood. Trust these people, and do it for them. Or he'd regret it, and let every last one of them down. As he laid awake, trying to grasp that piece of him where those feelings and thoughts and wishes had come from, all he'd come up with was hazy recollections. The next morning, when he'd dragged himself awake, part of him doesn't believe it's not just a dream. There's nothing on his phone to contradict it, but as he glances over at his desk, and the pile of papers there, things he'd spent hours writing down, following, sharing... no, it was real.

What part of it, he doesn't know. But it's real, plain as the ordinary daybreak gleaming outside his window, indistinguishable from any other.

So when he gets out of classes that morning and goes to check his voicemail as he descends the steps to LCU's courtyard, Winter being on the other end stops him cold. No matter what he expected from that reality, this wasn't it. She understood what he'd meant. Whoever that other one was, now slumbering inside of him. There was something that she recognized when he couldn't, and immediately, he's both stunned and horribly curious. But he can't ask, because she's not really there. His fingers tighten around his phone on reflex, and the noise of the world drains out. People around him dim, along with the dry summer breeze, hot with early morning sunshine.

He does the next best thing he can, and he listens. Even without his gifts, he hears the thickness in her voice that betrays the strength of her words. Banagher will never know what lead up to that phonecall. Why she'd cried at all, or tried to hide it, and what kind of strength it took to simply pick up and talk to him. Everything that he'd shared with her, and everything that connected him to this girl on that level that so clearly hurt her... was gone.

Briefly, he's frustrated at the goodbye he'd written himself. Briefly, hypocritically, he's almost not ready to accept it. Instead, she laughs, making him feel light and ache all over at the same time. There was a world outside of his reach, and if not for Winter, he'd probably lose it forever. He owes her twice over, now. Keep laughing, keep walking, keep reaching...

As the message ends and he lowers his phone to send a text, he wonders what it is that he did to earn a friend like her. ]

I'll be right here, whenever you get back.

[ Lily is damned thankful to be able to use both hands. Even if it was for only a couple of weeks, and it's been several since, she's been sort of taking whatever opportunity she can find to just... do things, constructive things, with the both of them.

Hence, why she's busy finishing up the dishes from dinner for the evening. Just because. Left to her own devices, she's a bit lost in thought, caught somewhere between anger and sadness over things that had occurred this week far out of their reach. Between that, what happened the night of the blackouts, still knowing there are threats out there, there was a lot to think about...

A lot to talk about that she HADN'T been talking about.

Sighing, she shuts the water off as she loads the last plate into the washer, and turns to wander off. Lily's honestly sort of afraid of how she herself will act in response to some of this stuff, less than Winter, but... it's been put off too long. Everything on the news in Vegas made that all too clear. ]

Winter? You there?

[Ever since the incident in Las Vegas, Winter had spent a lot of time just... staring into space. Looking at her hands. At Raquel. At her Loveads. At herself. Trying to see if there's something there worth fighting for. She's been quiet, though she's still responsive to Lily, and to Jasmine - they're too close for her to shut them out willingly. And maybe some little part of her is hoping one of them will drag her out of her funk. Get her moving again.

Neil... she'd said some things, yesterday. She'd felt the fire rekindle, just a little. It wasn't like she ever stopped wanting to do the things that she'd set out to do. She'd just... been discouraged. Badly, certainly. But it'd happened before. When she'd been fired. When she'd gotten Lily hurt. And now this, when she still hadn't really gotten over the last one. But could she really just... stop? Could she do that and not feel like she was abandoning everything that drove her?

She'd said she was a vessel for happiness. That she was happy when she could protect people. That she had things she couldn't sacrifice. Were those... things she could give up without becoming someone she wasn't?

Lily's voice draws her out of her thoughts, and she shakes herself lightly.]

I'm here... is everything okay?

Everything's fine, Winter, it -

[ A frown, and she drifts across the room, drawing closer. An adjust of her glasses and a shake of her head later, and she continues. ]

Okay, I guess that'd be a lie. Winter... we need to figure what we're going to do about things.

[ What "things," she's pretty sure Winter can guess. ]

I know. [It's quiet, and she shakes her head.] I'm... I'm kind of scared of what will happen from here. It's not getting any less dangerous with time. So... what do we do from here? I- [Winter stops and sighs.]

I don't want to quit. But I don't want something else to happen. I... I've hurt enough people already. I'm not confident I can do this again without hurting someone. Hurting you. Once was bad enough.

[Pulling her knees to her chest, she sinks back into the couch a little, frowning, her focus drifting again. Her feet curl on the edge of the cushions, and she's twirling a lock of hair around her finger absently.]

[ Absently, Lily's rubbing her right arm as she walks over. She's actually been doing this a lot, as if to make certain it's still okay. She often well catch herself eventually, or try to hide the fact she's doing it, but for now she just looks down at Winter. ]

There are a lot of things happening, too. Not just... this week, either. [ She doesn't name it, because it still leaves a bad taste in her mouth. Just what was he thinking? ] But... that meeting, those blackouts... We can't really hide either, can we, Winter...?

[ Her grip tightens on her arm, but she sits down next to the other girl. ] I'm scared too, I get it. It's almost scary enough to even talk about this stuff, I don't- I won't push you on something again, if you're not ready. [ Since the last time - in her head - Lily feels like she did that, she wound up in a pool of her own blood. Still, even sitting next to her girlfriend, her gaze shifts away. ]

I'm not going to do that to you again, Winter. I won't... let myself be that overconfident again. [ Ha, what is confidence now? ] But even if it's scary, if we don't try...

[ She trails off and sighs. ]

We can't hide. Wherever we go, this will find us. We can't just shut it out. We... we have to deal with it. We have to fight. Whether we're ready or not, we're in d-danger. Lily, I... mmn. [As Lily sits down, Winter's head leans gently against her girlfriend, looking for whatever comfort she can get.]

Don't... don't worry about me. I'll live. I chose this, and I accepted that there were risks involved. It's okay if I get hurt, if nobody else does. That... someone reminded me of that. It's not reasonable to expect that nobody will be hurt when we have to get involved. But if I c-can protect everyone, there are reasonable sacrifices that can be made.

If someone doesn't push me, I'm going to curl up into a little ball and refuse to move forward. I don't... want that. I want to learn, and grow, and live my life. I have to take risks for that. I have to be strong enough to make sure those risks - to myself and to everyone else - are as m-minimal as possible, but risk will be involved.

Because we have to try. No matter how scared I am. [That fire is back in her eyes, if only a little.]

[ Feeling Winter against her makes Lily relax just a little, if only for a few moments. Her eyes draw back to the dark-haired girl, and her arms slips around her shoulders... and almost immediately looks bothered.

Maybe she's right. Maybe she does need to be pushed a bit. Probably, they both do. But... ]

Winter, no. It's not okay if you get hurt! [ That was a little louder than she intended, but her newfound hold around her tightens all the same. ] If I said something like that, you'd be letting me have it right here and now. It's not okay for you, or me, or anyone to get hurt if we can avoid it... Even if we can't sometimes, even if it's bound to happen...

[ She bites her lip. ] Even if I'm scared out of my own mind to even walk outside sometimes, it feels like. But I've promised that I'd push on, that I'd have the courage to be better than that... I promised you I'm not going to let you destroy yourself, okay? You're not. When you talk like that, it sounds too much like- [ She stops herself before she says "The Happy Prince" but it's probably a little late, Winter can probably fill in the gaps herself. ]

...of course, I know... You'd do anything for anyone, so... I don't want to see it as pushing you, letting you get yourself hurt, but I am going to take you with me. I'm going to walk side-by-side with you into whatever it is that's out there, Winter Adamas, and make sure we both are able to come back safe from whatever it is we do.

Edited (Let's try that again) 2014-06-29 07:08 (UTC)

[Winter opens her mouth to argue, her eyes flashing. She wants so much to raise her voice, to tell Lily she's wrong, that it's the only way-

And then she catches herself. She's about to raise her voice to Lily because her girlfriend is objecting that she is trying to throw herself in harm's way. She is trying to say, with a completely straight face, that she's okay sacrificing herself for these people because it is her duty.

She lowers her head, laughing bitterly. She can feel tears running down her face, too, but she's not worried about that. There are more important things.]

Mm. You're... you're right. It's not okay, and I'm getting so frustrated I'm letting myself say stupid things. I'm not learning from all the stupid things I do, and it's going to get me killed one of these days. I'm more like Rikka's damned i-idol than Rikka herself.

I don't want to ask you to stand beside me. I'm too headstrong... I'll get both of us hurt that way. But... if you can put up with me, I think I need it. Maybe, if it's not just me, I'll think before I act.

[Winter sighs, leaning a little more heavily on Lily, one hand reaching out gently.] I'll be depending on you even more, you know. I don't want you... to be scared. Together, we can do anything, right? I just... I just have to believe in that. Believe in you. It'll all be okay. We'll make it okay, one way or another. T-too many people are depending on us for anything else to happen.

[ To see the tears on Winter's face surprises Lily for just a second, but she's quick to raise a hand to her cheeks. She does her best to wipe the tears away, but even after that's settled may just opt for stroking her cheek. ]

Rikka might have been satisfied at that. I'm not really one to judge her, but... To compare oneself to that, to help the one they love with something that may well be picking them apart, bit by bit... That is something I can't do. I can love you and support you, and do everything in the world I can for you... But it's because I want you to come back in the end. Because I need you to come back in the end.

You don't have to ask me to stand beside you. [ She manages to smile, faintly. ] So long as you'll put up with me, I'm not exactly planning on giving you much of a choice.

[ She reaches down from Winter's face, her other arm still holding her close, and takes the reaching hand. ] There'll always be part of me that's scared. For you or for Jasmine, or for anyone I care about... But that's why, really. That's why I have to fight, I have to push past that... Something like this can't happen again, I-- [ She sucks in a sudden breath, a thought thundering to the forefront of her brain. ] I have to be brave enough to fight off despair... So I will be, for everyone, but you especially. Because I have you there, I know... I really can do anything.

Edited (let's try one of those sentences again, this is what results from sleep deprived tagging) 2014-06-30 05:58 (UTC)

What do you think this is, Lily? [She wants to scream, still. But... Lily is doing a lot to help temper her anger, mostly at herself.] I've been throwing myself at the wall... for so long. I've just wanted to put everything into this. Even at my own expense. The student council, breaking my ankle, fighting on a broken ankle, going into the Sage trap... everything was because I can't sit idly by. So... maybe I'm too reckless.

But I... I know that. I always have. I fully e-expected it would find me, someday. [She looks at Lily, her gaze hard.] Then it found you. I was so scared. I can't even say how bad it was. I- for days, I told myself that was it. No more heroics. I'd go home and just be normal, if it kept you from getting hurt again. I don't do this for myself, Lily. I do it for other people. For you. That's why I don't really think of it in those terms. I... I am willing to take so many risks, for my important people. I have to teach myself not to. That we c-can do it together. That... I can't say "nobody else" and then get into trouble. "Nobody else" has to include me, or it doesn't mean anything.

I'm scared, too. I think I will be, for a long time. But I have to believe that... there's more than just running myself into the ground. Everything will be okay. We'll make it happen. With you... we'll keep moving forward, no matter what. Right?

[ Lily finds her eyes misting up a little herself, but... that's fine. She doesn't stop it, and somehow manages to not flinch a bit throughout it all. Because it's too important here and now to really back down. ]

You are a little reckless, and... I've always known you do it for other people. For those you care about, and everyone else. I've said more than once, that's the thing which inspired me, more than any memories I received. Haven't I? That... still remains, and knowing you, I'd like to think that isn't going anywhere...

I can't say I'm much different, can I? I sort of proved that, with how I ended up. Had it been reversed, we'd probably be on opposite sides of this conversation, but... It'd probably be pretty similar. [ She manages a slightly wry smile, in spite of everything. ] Although with as stubborn as you can be, I might've had a harder time keeping you in bed. It would have been almost tempting, too... to just ignore all of those dangers, to just stay in with you every day, and yet... we've seen no matter what we do, they'll come to us anyway

But yes, you're right. You and I are going to be a team for much, much longer than I'd hope we'll be fighting all these things, Winter... This isn't the first road bump we'll hit, but I feel like... no matter how scared either of us are, no matter what we run into. From here on, if we can take that on together... I don't think anything can stop us, Winter. Not for long, anyway.

Mm, I remember that. But... no. I and my bullheadedness aren't going anywhere. I'll be right here, as long as you want me to be. And I don't m-mind that you're going to be the same way if something happens to me. I... now that I'm used to having people around, I need that contact. I need someone to be there for me to talk to, to touch, to tell me it'll be okay. So I'm c-counting on that.

So... please stay with me, whatever happens. Even if I scream, or I walk out before I do something I'll regret, or we can't agree, or I panic and run away... I'll always come back. I can go anywhere, and do anything. I just... [She manages to smile a little, her face coloring.] I just need you.

Well, seeing as how I don't ever want it that you're not here... So, it's time I took my own advice, isn't it? [ Just briefly, she leans her head towards Winter's, her lips making contact in a brief kiss. Extremely brief, but the message should be clear enough - that the contact she's talking about is there. ] I kept saying everything would be okay, and... it will be. I've relied on you so much this past month, so... I need to make sure I can give all the same support to you when I need to. When we both need it.

[ She hugs her a little closer. ] I've said the same thing, haven't I? To do all of this, and more than that, everything I want to do beyond this... I need you, too. I want to be able to share everything else, too. Everything that has nothing to do with all of this danger and fighting, the things we'll have to look forward to when it's over. We just... have to work together to make sure we get there, right?

[Winter's face goes even more red at the sudden attack.] Y-yes... right. It's not that you've been relying on me, so much as I've been hovering, but we'll go with that for now.

[She shakes her head, leaning into Lily and trying not to worry so much.] Right. Together. Whatever happens, wherever we go, whatever has to be done. Whether it's us h-having to fight something, or going on a date, or something stupid like we tend to do... it'll be okay.

So I guess I just need to figure out what to do from here. Do we... go back on the road? Go back to Las Vegas and try to figure out what's going on? Or do we stay here a while longer and make sure you're ready to go again? I don't want to... make the wrong decision on this and have something happen again.

[ If nothing else, Lily takes this as a good opportunity to rest her head against Winter's. ] Hovering or not, I have been relying on you. I'm almost starting to feel a little selfish, expecting you here all the time, but...

[ She draws in a breath, thinking on the questions. ]

That's... something we need to figure out, isn't it? [ A sigh. ] Things seem to keep increasing in intensity out there, but... they are here too. [ She frowns. ] Whatever's behind that monster car, those blackouts, that will have to be dealt with, but... there are so many more of us here than there... The big problem is.

[ She tilts her head to one side, and pulls back just enough to be able to look Winter in the eye. ] There's no way Dad's going to let Jasmine go back, not right now. [ And in her thoughts, she's thinking it's probably a bad idea for Jasmine to go back after what that resulted in. ]

I'm the one that's being selfish. I have a home. I have parents that... probably want to see me more than they do. But I spend all my time, and more than a few of my nights, here. It's in-incredibly selfish, but it helps me sleep, and it's what I want, if I'm being honest.

As for our plans... I don't know. There are so many more of us here, but even a few more of us may not make a difference to anything that attacks out there. Not if it's only us. And you're right that Jasmine can't come along if we go. I wouldn't want her to. That's an argument for staying anyway... I still need to make sure she does okay this summer. I took responsibility for that, and I'll see it through.

[ Lily starts to open her mouth to object, but refrains. There's a certain weight - among the many other weighty things they've thrown out in the past couple minutes - to Winter saying that which takes a couple moments to catch up to her. A the least, that makes it time for her cheeks to heat up. ] If that's what you want, then I guess I'm okay if you want to be a little selfish...

[ She clears her throat, trying to compose herself. ] Ei-either way, it's my responsibility too. I have to make sure she does well just as much. And... we can't just go there without a plan of some sort, can we? Just wandering around didn't net us anything to begin with...

[ To say nothing of the only thing Lily did come home from Vegas with, but that doesn't need to be stated. ]

Edited (fixing one icon since I sort of broke everything. whoops.) 2014-07-15 01:17 (UTC)

Threaded | Top-Level Comments Only

Page 3 of 4

IC Contact

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

( email, off-network )

[1/2; action]

[voicemail]

( action → text )

suddenly action because they're in the same place half the time, at least; June 27th, evening;

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject